The Seer

They were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. And, though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for them both since they’d turned 50.

One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane unfortunately crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, “Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.”

The old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. “Why, nothing,” Peter replied. “Remember, this is your reward in Heaven.”

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on earth. “What are the greens fees?” grumbled the old man.

“This is heaven,” St. Peter replied. “You can play for free, every day, any time of day that you want.”

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic desserts, free flowing beverages. “Don’t even ask,” said St. Peter to the man. “This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.”

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. “Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?” he asked.

“That’s the best part,” St. Peter replied. “You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is heaven!”

The old man inquired, “No gym to work out at?”

“Not unless you want to,” was the answer.

“No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…”

“Never again. All you do is enjoy yourself.”

The old man glared at his wife and said, “You and your bloody bran muffins. We could have been here twenty years ago!”

Death ALWAYS Delivers ~ Jed McKenna

If you can’t see the video above, >>>Click Here

A rather crotchety old man went to stay with his nephew and niece.

At breakfast the first morning, his niece asked sweetly: Uncle, how would you like your eggs, scrambled or fried?”

“One fried, one scrambled,” the old man replied gruffly.

After breakfast his niece asked: “Did you enjoy your breakfast, Uncle?”

“No,” he replied. “You scrambled the wrong egg!”

~ Lord Maybray-King

A vicar was invited by the headmistress of the local Anglican Girls School to talk to her older students about Christianity and sex.

Not wishing to compromise either his datebook or his less tolerant wife the vicar entered the engagement as “Talk to girls about sailing.”

A day or so after his talk the headmistress encountered the vicar’s wife. “So very good of your husband to talk to my girls last week. He was quite splendid and so helpful.”

“I can’t imagine what he knows about it,” replied the vicar’s wife, “he’s only done it twice and the first time he was sick and on the second occasion his hat blew off.”

~ Robert Lusty

As a bagpiper, I play at many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s’ cemetery in the back country.

As I wasn’t familiar with the countryside, I got lost, and being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left, and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

As I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years”.

Apparently I’m still lost … it’s a man thing

~ Sent in by Marg Coombes-Pearce … Thanks Marg.

An elderly couple cherished a chiming clock which could be heard in every part of their small house.

Early one morning, while they were still in bed, the chiming mechanism broke down and on the hour the clock struck … eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen times!

Hearing this, the old lady shook her husband who was still asleep and said anxiously, “Wake up Henry, it’s later than it’s ever been before!”

Internet Outages from Hurricane Could Force People to Interact with Other People, Officials Warn

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – As Hurricane Irene prepaared to batter the East Coast of the United States, federal disaster officials warned that Internet outages caused by the storm could force people to interact with other people for the first time in years.

News of the possible interpersonal interactions created panic up and down the coast as residents braced themselves for the horror of awkward silences and unwanted eye contact.

And as officials warned people in the hurricane zone to stay indoors, residents feared the worst: conversations with members of their immediate family.

At the Federal Emergency Management Agency, FEMA, chief Craig Fugate offered these words of advice for those who may be forced into direct contact with other human beings: “Be prepared. Write down possible topics to talk about in advance. Sports is a good one, and of course the weather. Remember, a conversation is basically a series of Facebook updates strung together.”

He also offered these words of hope for those trapped interacting with other people due to an Internet outage: “At some point, the wifi will go back on, and hopefully you won’t have to go through anything like this again for a long, long time.”

In a related story, the Rev. Pat Robertson said the best way to prepare for Hurricane Irene is by not being gay.

~ Andy Borowitz www.borowitz.com

Pat Robertson Blames Mild Earthquake on People Who Seem Kind of Gay

Almighty’s Anger at Metrosexuals* Caused Ambiguous Quake

VIRGINIA BEACH (The Borowitz Report) – Evangelist Pat Robertson sparked controversy in today’s broadcast of his 700 Club program by saying that last week’s mild East Coast earthquake was God’s revenge on people “who act kind of gay.”

“All across the Eastern seaboard, there are men who get manicures, wear designer eyewear and know about thread counts,” said Rev. Robertson. “God finds this somewhat gay-like behavior confusing, and He responded by getting mildly peeved.”

The televangelist warned that if Americans persist in their “seemingly sort-of-gay behavior,” the country should brace itself for additional ambiguous acts of retaliation from the Almighty.

“God will strike back at people who act sort of gay with all kinds of mild responses,” he said. “If you keep getting pedicures and facials, you can expect two to three inches of rain and some really hot humid days in your future.”

Rev. Robertson said that New Yorkers who reacted in an over-the-top way to last week’s tremor run the risk of moderately annoying the Heavenly Father yet again.

“God looks at people who get their knickers in a knot after a little shaking, and He says to Himself, ‘Wow, that’s really kind of gay,’” he said.

~ Andy Borowitz www.borowitz.com

* A metrosexual is a male who is seen as more body and image conscious. Usually more emotional and cares more than most males about how he is viewed. Typically lives/works in or near a large metropolitan area. High disposable income. Often mistaken for being gay.

Seer and subscriber, Peter Dimitriou, has discovered a website by an artist known as “Unasleep.”

On the site, there are dozens of short videos by this artist that are visually quite powerful and direct pointers for undoing illusion within oneself.

One of Peter’s favourite videos, is titled “Atom can you hear me?” You can view it >>>HERE

More at: www.unasleep.com

A young man travelling cross-country in a hot-air balloon lost his bearings.

Seeing a farmer digging in a field below, he lost height and called out to him, “Hey there! Can you tell me where I am?”

The farmer looked up. “You can’t fool me young feller. You’re up there in that basket thing.” Then he went back to his digging.