The Seer

Customer to optician …

“At first I was a humanist agnostic, then I saw the light!

I became an earnest seeker after truth, then I saw the light!

I became a theist, then I saw that Jesus was the light and became a Christian.

At first I went to the Anglican church, but soon I saw the light and brecame a Baptist.

Then I saw the light, got baptized in the Spirit and became a Pentecostal.

Then I really saw the light and became a charismatic Catholic.

Then I really, really saw the light and became an apophatic contemplative.

And now, at last, I see the true light shining directly from God’s throne in heaven and I’ve decided to become a Cistercian monk!!!

Please … I’d like to buy a pair of your strongest wrap-around sun-glasses.”

~ Cartoon

Young Billy’s room always seemed to be in a mess, with clothes and toys strewn everywhere.

Determined to do something about it, his mother waited until he was in bed one night and then burst into his room demanding, “Who didn’t hang up his clothes before he got into bed?”

There was a movement under the coverlet, an innocent pair of brown eyes looked up to hers and a small voice said wonderingly, “Adam?”

A big dog goes into a Western Union office, puts his front paws up on the counter in front of a clerk, and says in a husky but quite audible voice: “I want to send a telegram.”

“What’s your message then?” asked the astonished clerk.

“Woof woof, woof woof, woof woof woof woof woof!” replies the dog.

The clerk diligently writes it down, looks at the dog and says “We have a promo going on today, ten words for the price of nine. Shall I add one more woof?”

The dog replies “Then it wouldn’t make any sense would it?”

~ Passed on by my dog, Turlow (who can almost talk). Thanks Mr T.

A professional genealogist had accepted a very handsome fee from a wealthy client to research his family tree.

In writing up his report, the genealogist was dismayed to learn that one of the client’s ancestors had been executed in the electric chair.

Wanting to be tactful, he wrote up the relative as follows:

“Your Uncle Henry occupied the chair of Applied Electricity at a leading government institution. He was attached to his chair by the strongest of ties, and his sudden passing came as a great shock.”

~ Nigel Rees

Addressing a group of schoolboys a bishop gave this example of moral courage. A boy in a dormitory who, in front of the others, kneels down and says his prayers before hopping into bed.

The bishop then asked the boys if they could think of another example.

“Sir,” piped up one boy, “a bishop in a dormitory full of other bishops who hops into bed without saying his prayers!”

According to a news report, a certain private school in Brisbane was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12 year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the nearest toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers…. and then there are educators!

Sent in by Shana Davies — Thanks Shana.

Q: Doctor Wong, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it … don’t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take Nap!

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can’t think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain … good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean — another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! ‘Round’ a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways — Chardonnay in one hand — chocolate in the other — body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO-HOO, what a ride!!”

AND …

For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat … and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat … and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine … and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine … and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats … and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

~ Sent in by Theresa-Ann Harvey — Thanks Theresa-Ann

“Morag, shut up!” shouted the exasperated golfer at his wife who had been constantly criticising him ever since they’d teed off.

“Shut up or you’ll drive me out of my mind.”

“That,” snapped Morag, “that wouldn’t be a drive. That would be a putt.”

A local businessmen had been invited to speak to the children in the third grade. He decided to talk about the progress of the world during the past fifty years.

He spent half-an-hour talking about the great inventions that had been developed during his lifetime.

Then he said, “Before I go, I’d like to ask this question …”

“What do you think is the most important invention in the world today that wasn’t here just twenty years ago?” he asked.

“Me!” said a little boy in the front row.

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, “I hope I haven’t made you feel ill at ease; it’s just that you look so much like my late son.”

He answered, “That’s okay.”

“I know it’s silly, but if you’d call out “Good bye, Mum” as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy.”

She then went through the checkout and, as she was on her way out of the store, the youth called out, “Good-bye, Mum.”

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone’s day, he went to pay for his groceries.

“That comes to $221.85″ said the checkout girl.

“That can’t be right … I only bought 6 items.”

The girl replied, “Yeah, but your mother said you’d be paying for her things, too.”