The Seer

You’ll remember, from the previous humor item (see below), the circus that came to a small outback town and needed local acts.

Well, the old Ringmaster had just seen off the bloke that did bird imitations when two strapping young bushmen presented themselves.

“What’s your act?” asked the Ringmaster.

“It’s our Dad,” answered one of the youths, “He drinks molten lead.”

“You mean no trickery, dead set dinkum — he drinks molten lead?!”

“Yep”

“That’s amazing!” what’s the performance fee?”

“Well there’s $500 for Dad and another $500 each for me and my brother.”

The old Ringmaster exclaimed, “Why should I pay you blokes more than a booking fee, seeing as your Dad is the real talent?”

“Well we’re needed to hold him down,” was the answer, “He doesn’t like it …”

~ Sent in by Sam Blight — Thanks Sam

The circus comes to a small outback town and needs local acts. The old Ringmaster sets up an audition at the big top.

The word gets around and eventually, a bloke wearing a drover’s hat and a dry-as-bone walks in and the Ringmaster says, “OK mate, what d’ya do?”

The bloke starts flapping his arms up and down real fast and up he goes — flies right to the very top of the big tent, he does loops and circles and buzzes the Ringmaster. Finally, he lands right in front of the old codger and, breathing hard, shouts … “TAA-DA!”

The Ringmaster stares at him a few seconds and then says impatiently, “Thats it?!? Bird imitations?”

Puppetji speaks like no-one else on the famous question: “WHO AM I ?”

(We are assured that any connection between Puppetji and the late Indian sage, H W L Poonja, affectionately known as Papaji, is purely conincidental ; )

To hear/see this diminutive, though world famous guru, sit on the floor, cross your legs and Click Here

A young jackaroo (Aussie cowboy) from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he finds he’s squandered all of his money.

He calls home. ‘Dad,’ he says, ‘you won’t believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog, Ol’ Blue, how to talk.’

‘That’s amazing!’ his Dad says. ‘How do I get Ol’ Blue in that program?’

‘Just send him down here with $2,000,’ the young jackaroo says, ‘I’ll get him in the course.’

So … his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. ‘So how’s Ol’ Blue doing, son?’ his father wants to know.

‘Awesome! Dad, he’s talking up a storm. But you just won’t believe this. They’ve had such good results with talking, they’ve begun to teach the animals how to read.’

‘Read?’ exclaims his father. ‘No kidding! How do we get Ol’ Blue in that program?’

‘Just send $4,500. I’ll get him in the class.’

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. ‘Where’s Ol’ Blue? I just can’t wait to talk with him, and see him read something!’

‘Dad,’ the boy says, ‘I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol’ Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading a Dogue magazine. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, ‘So, is my master still having an affair with that little redhead barmaid at the pub?”

The father groans and whispers, ‘I hope you got rid of that bastard before he talks to your mother!’

‘I sure did, Dad!’

‘That’s my boy!’

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer!

Sent in by Linley Anderson — thanks Linley.

1st. If you eat something and nobody sees you eat it, it has no kilojoules.

2nd. If you drink a diet soda with a chocolate bar, the kilojoules in the chocolate bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

3rd. When you eat with someone else, kilojoules don’t count if you don’t eat more than they do.

4th. Foods used for medicinal purposes NEVER count. These include hot chocolate, brandy, toast and cheesecake.

5th. If you fatten up everyone around you, you look thinner.

6th. Movie related foods – buttered popcorn and chocolate covered nuts, do not have additional kilojoules because they are part of the whole entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel.

7th. Pieces of chocolate biscuits have no kilojoules. When the biscuits are broken, there is leakage of kilojoules.

8th. Things licked off knives and spoons have no kilojoules; for instance, when you are preparing something such as ice-cream on a spoon when making a sundae.

9th. Foods that have the same colour have the same number of kilojoules; for example, spinach and pistachio ice-cream, mushrooms and white chocolate.

NOTE: Chocolate is a universal colour and may be substituted for any other food colour.

PS. To listen to a free interview explaining why you don’t have to diet to lose weight, >>>Click Here

“We have done so much, with so little, for so long … now, we can do anything … with nothing at all!”

~ moto of the Urban Gure Cafe.

A child in Scripture class, when asked to draw a picture of the Holy Family, produced a drawing in which Mary and the baby sat on a recognisably donkeyish animal, led by Joseph.

On the ground nearby, however, was a small black blob.

“What is that?” asked the teacher.

“The flea,” answered the young artist.

“What flea, dear?” asked the puzzled teacher.

“The one the angel told Joseph to take”.

Eventually, puzzled but not liking to challenge an imaginative child, the teacher checked out her Bible. And there it was:

Matthew Ch. 2:13 “… the angel of the Lord saying, Arise, and take the young child and his mother, and flee into Egypt …”