Pat Robertson Blames Mild Earthquake on People Who Seem Kind of Gay

Almighty’s Anger at Metrosexuals* Caused Ambiguous Quake

VIRGINIA BEACH (The Borowitz Report) – Evangelist Pat Robertson sparked controversy in today’s broadcast of his 700 Club program by saying that last week’s mild East Coast earthquake was God’s revenge on people “who act kind of gay.”

“All across the Eastern seaboard, there are men who get manicures, wear designer eyewear and know about thread counts,” said Rev. Robertson. “God finds this somewhat gay-like behavior confusing, and He responded by getting mildly peeved.”

The televangelist warned that if Americans persist in their “seemingly sort-of-gay behavior,” the country should brace itself for additional ambiguous acts of retaliation from the Almighty.

“God will strike back at people who act sort of gay with all kinds of mild responses,” he said. “If you keep getting pedicures and facials, you can expect two to three inches of rain and some really hot humid days in your future.”

Rev. Robertson said that New Yorkers who reacted in an over-the-top way to last week’s tremor run the risk of moderately annoying the Heavenly Father yet again.

“God looks at people who get their knickers in a knot after a little shaking, and He says to Himself, ‘Wow, that’s really kind of gay,'” he said.

~ Andy Borowitz

* A metrosexual is a male who is seen as more body and image conscious. Usually more emotional and cares more than most males about how he is viewed. Typically lives/works in or near a large metropolitan area. High disposable income. Often mistaken for being gay.

Televangelist Explains the Quake

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