Pete, (My problem) … is always the same pattern, regardless the situation:
My daughter throws a tantrum: she’s been wanting to play soccer for weeks. I find a club that will take girls her age and we go there. Once there she refuses to try it. In that very moment, right there and then, I am aware of these thoughts and emotions: “she’s afraid” (disappointment) “she’d rather go home watch a movie” (anger), “she’s going to make a scene” (annoyance), “she isn’t even willing to try” (defeat). And not only I watch these things build up, but I feel disappointed, become angry because I’m annoyed at her behaviour and feel very discouraged. And my behaviour (verbal and non) ends up reflecting this. Then there’s guilt.
Interestingly, I am aware of what’s going on, but it’s only “later” (and it may be just a minute, but as they say “the deed is done” and my daughter is in shambles due to my reaction) that I realize how “wrong I handled the situation” (and here “” because I’m well aware that to a large degree, there’s not much I can do except be aware of it). So I’m left with the only option to try to talk to her and soothe her etc etc. Now, I know (and this is thanks in part to Adyashanti’s recommendation to write about these thoughts and feelings) where they come from, how they reinforce themselves, and what not. (I won’t bore you with the story of Janet).
My question, and it really is one at this point, as all situations follow the same pattern (according to what I’m aware of at least), is how can this powerlessness be overcome or transcended. It’s like watching a film for the 100th time, knowing what’s going to happen and feeling totally powerless to do anything about it (not to react), with the exception that there’s a pang of guilt at the end. In this powerlessness to react in a different manner, I am taken aback by what this Janet character can come up with, by her cruel temper, by her “demons”.
Dear Janet,
Thanks for the helpful description of the situation ‘you and your daughter’ often find yourselves in. You need not despair as this is not uncommon even for spiritual seekers and there is a way of resolving these issues if you are prepared to go all the way with your understanding and practice of the Truth. If, however, you allow your egoic self (the little ‘Janet’ me) to resist the Truth, you will not only continue to have this conflict with it’s associated suffering, but it will probably get worse!
I’ve now had a look over your on line ‘journalizing’ and feel that you have a reasonable grasp in your mind of the Truth of Who you really are … but it seems to me that it is ONLY in your mind at this stage. To be effective … to be liberating … to be empowering, the Truth must be in your heart, or as the old masters would say, in your very bones!
When the Truth is simply in your mind as so many ideas and concepts, they an be easily shoved aside and overridden by the egoic self, energized as it is by all your conditioned thinking patterns. Hence, instead of being present and responding to situatIons as they arise with a sense of choice, you find yourself reacting, almost automatically, with no sense of choice whatever.
When you surrender totally to the Truth and accept on every level of your being Who or What you really are, regardless of your thoughts or feelings, then you begin to see things in a whole new way and it is that ’seeing’ that brings about the transformation of every situation.
So Janet, the question that must be answered is, are you ready to go all the way and make a complete, and unreserved, surrender to the Truth, and not go back on that surrender?
If the answer is ‘No’ or ‘Not yet’, then not much can change in your relationships; and the ideas and concepts you have about non-duel Truth will become more and more sterile and eventually will be discarded altogether. You will close the door that grace has opened for you and will have no alternative but to live on in your mind-made story with all its consequent suffering, as the vast majority of people do.
If, on the other hand, the answer to this all-important question is ‘YES’, then you will find true freedom and a resolution to every problem, but to realize this (make it real in your life-experience), you will need to commit to some serious spiritual practice.
What practice, you now ask, do I mean?
First, I suggest you take time each day to sit quietly and recognize the Truth — that Consciousness (Spirit, God, the true Self, or whatever) is all there is … there is nothing else … despite all appearances to the contrary. Or, in other words, accept that there is only the One, or if you like, that there is only You … everywhere … always.
Allow the Truth sink from your mind, into your heart, and into every cell of your body, that in Reality, there are no ‘others’ … that it is all You. This ‘You’ is not personal, it does not belong to you, but rather your mind/body/personality is a manifestation of It! The person writing to you now is also a manifestation of that same consciousness, and so is your daughter.
All the problems you are having with your daughter, and with yourself because of the associated frustrations etc., is because you still regard her essentially as an ‘other’, someone completely separate and apart from yourself — so perceived differences and conflict inevitably arise.
It won’t be until you can see your daughter as essentially one with YourSelf (and the entire universe) that this will begin to change.
Because, as I see it, your understanding of the Truth has not yet gone beyond your mind, you (consciously or unconsciously) think that you are separate from ‘God’ and everyone else and are therefore responsible for your actions. Consequently you blame yourself when you feel you’ve failed and perhaps, very rarely, praise yourself when you succeed.
Because you still identify with your egoic self (with its ‘poor me’ story), this little illusionary self continues to be quite judgmental, so you categorize your daughters moods and behaviors as being ‘good’ or ‘bad’, ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ etc. and praise and blame her accordingly. This is perfectly normal and what most people do most of the time, but it is NOT the way of one who has awakened deeply to the Truth.
The Truth is that ‘Janet’ and ‘Janet’s daughter’ are ultimately not two separate beings, but two unique expressions or manifestations of the One Beingness. At the deepest level, neither of you are responsible for your behaviors … it is the One that is doing everything … we are all being ‘lived’ according to the way the One wants it to be.
This is almost impossible for the finite human mind to understand, so don’t try to work it out rationally: just surrender to this awesome Truth. In practical terms, it means that none of us can take pride in our supposed successes nor need feel guilt for our supposed short-comings or failures. It means that there can be no condemning judgment of ourselves or of others. The awakened one knows that there is, in reality, no ‘other’ to be the offender nor someone separate to forgive a supposed offence. Why? Because there is only the ONE.
This great Truth can only be recognized in Awareness … the Awareness that is the context for all the content that arises in Awareness (or Consciousness). It is this Awareness that is your essential nature, Janet, and the same essential nature of your daughter, and myself, and everyone else in your world.
When you can know this and accept this without thinking about it, your life-experience will begin to be transformed. You must come to know this as you know your own name and the fact that you exist — without thinking about it. Once grace has brought that recognition about deeply within you, then you will begin to see things in a totally different light … the Light of Consciousness.
One of the first things you will see in that new Light is your deep connectedness with all creatures. You will see, for instance, that your daughter’s moods and behaviors are essentially ‘Your’ moods and behaviors … does that shock or affront you? Of course, I don’t mean, ‘Janet’s moods and behaviors’ but the essential ‘You’ … the One Self.
So if you are at last identified with that infinite One Self, rather than the finite and illusionary little ‘me’, you will find that a great causeless Love will arise from Consciousness and flow into and through your form. This Love has nothing to do with the normal feelings of a mother for a child etc. but is what we may call unconditional love. It is felt and expressed by Self-realized people as compassion … compassion for all forms.
So, in the case of your daughter, when you are in presence with your true Self, instead of being judgmental and in conflict with her, you will feel, without any effort on your part, empathy and compassion for the suffering etc. she is inflicting on herself and those around her.
The ego-motivated need for you to make yourself ‘right’ and the other person ‘wrong’, will no longer be there. Without your saying or doing much at all, the other person will begin to recognize the unconditional Love that is coming through your and that will begin to open up their consciousness (or dissolve their unconsciousness) in due course.
Oddly enough, when we stop trying to change others, when we accept and allow them to be what Consciousness has made them at any given moment, then people begin to change in response the Love and acceptance that they sense is coming from (actually through) us.
Once you have identified deeply with Who or What you really are, and you can see Who or What your daughter really is beneath the outward appearance of her personal self, you will find, I think, that your role as a mother will be renewed. You will be able to offer your daughter support, guidance and training as a fellow manifestation of the One rather than trying to impose it on her as a separate and opposite object.
All real truth is paradoxical. Once we see deeply that nobody is responsible for their actions because we are all being lived by the One … our true Self, then we begin to recognize that the One has placed in us all the capacity and the propensity to make decisions and learn from the consequences of those decisions. The One also places within each of us as we mature a certain sense of responsibility for our own actions and in the awakened person, this can be accepted because we know that we live (or are being lived) in two dimensions at the same time — the formless dimension of Spirit and the human dimension of form.
Those who are still unconscious tend to live only in one dimension — the finite human dimension of form. If your daughter is still at this stage, don’t be anxious about her … Consciousness knows what it is doing in her case. The important thing now is for you to focus on being FULLY in presence as often as you can. This will come naturally after you have once and for all identified deeply with your true Self, not just in your head, nor even in your heart, but in every part of your body/mind/complexity.
It is only then that a book like, “The End of Your World” (by Adyashanti), will have any value for you whatever. Otherwise, it will all be mere words. ideas and concepts.
Now Janet, as you can see, I’ve written at some length here, so I want you to consider all this carefully. Read and reread what I’ve said till you get the full gist of it. Soon, if you persist, you will feel the echo of it within … deep calling to deep in the very depths of your being. When you hear this call, say ‘Yes’ to YourSelf, to Life, to the One that is the Source of all enduring Love and your true nature.
